I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
