i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
