I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Randomize
