You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
