we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
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