We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Randomize