How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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