So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
