I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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