I am spending my child support on dildos
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
