Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
