Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
