Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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