Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
