WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
bring money and cleavage
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
