if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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