i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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