It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
