theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
