i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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