He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
