ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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