I'm so fucking centered right now
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Vodka?
Forever.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
