Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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