There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
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