Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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