1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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