judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Less talking, more tequila
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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