you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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