I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
