Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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