you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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