my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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