They should really pass out barf bags in church
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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