I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Randomize
