I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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