i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Randomize