just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
