true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
