How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
