Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Randomize
