dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
We need to feng shui this bitch.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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