Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
