My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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