I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
