Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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