still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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