Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
