i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
