I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
