his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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