is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
