I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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