The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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