We're like a lot better than the average bears
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
